"Ratt is a seriously underrated band!" I remember telling my high school buddies about 14 years ago.
That was probably about five years after I first heard Mötley Crüe's "Looks
That Kill" and "Shout at the Devil," the two songs that changed my life. In fact, through the
better part of the '80s, L.A. glam was all I listened to. So yeah, I still remember the secrets and subtleties of
hair metal. Listen up, you ironic Darkness-lovin', Andrew W.K.-rockin' 20 year-olds: School's
in session.
— Lionel Bebbington
Seriously underrated
"Hey, anyone want Steve Miller tix?"
Poseur
The Holy Book
Nikki Sixx, sexxy beast
1. Mullets. Mullets were NEVER a part of hair metal. Mullets belonged to your classic rock Steve Miller Band older brother. Some misguided Enuff Z'Nuff fans did indeed try to sneak a bit out the back, but only because their parents didn't let them have true Crüe hair.
2. Hair Color. Natural is unacceptable. Primary colors are Blue Black or Bleach Blonde. Also, avoid loving bands with curly hair. We all know Warrant and Stryper are totally awesome, but some of those guys had some really curly-ass hair. The curls can't help but bring the quality of the music down a notch.
3. Quiet Riot. Don't go to the Hollyweird Tour in an attempt to catch up and tell people you've seen Quiet Riot. Quiet Riot was never really part of the scene, so you'll immediately be exposed as a phony.
4. L.A. Glam. Faster Pussycat was one of those bands I never got to see when I was a teenager and, alas, L.A. glam was about being young. Those guys are probably like 38 now. That's freakin' old. Anyway, don't mix true L.A. glam bands with other — inferior — hair bands. For example, if you're wearing your silk L.A. Guns headband, don't wear a Bon Jovi t-shirt. Actually, avoid wearing the Bon Jovi t-shirt altogether.
5. Metal Edge. AKA The Bible. Not Circus, not Hit Parader. Metal Edge was Teen Beat for the spandex crowd. Check out the departments: Killer Color Q&A — Interviews with your favorite bands, acompanied by Killer Color photos. Metal Wire — I knew first-hand when model Rachel Hunter and Kip Winger broke up. (I believe it was because of his curls and facial hair.) Metal Edge Mail Bag — Letters expressing differing points of view. I took this section very seriously. It made me realize that even though you might not like Dokken, it doesn't mean you should punch people who do.
6. Posters. C.C. DeVille winking while pointing at the camera, sitting on a Toyota MR2. Fucking fantastic!
7. The Difficult Fourth Album. Although there are some exceptions, one should avoid any hair band after their third album. Today, when musicians start to take themselves too seriously, they go experimental. Back then, the word was "bluesy." Bluesy was responsible for the murder of many bands before Nirvana buried everyone.
8. Names. Names ending with a youthful and feminine 'ee' sound are way cool: Taime, Rikki, Tommy, Nikki, Bobby, Tracy, Janie. A descriptive quote goes over well, too. On Poison's Look What the Cat Dragged In, C.C. DeVille was "Guitar Screechin' and Hair Bleachin'". Pretty Boy Floyd had them too, but took it one step further by adding a moniker. Kristi "Krash" Majors' bandmate Steve Summers' moniker was "Sex". I take it the guy was into sex. Sex with hot chix, I bet!
9. Nikki. And finally, we must understand that Tommy Lee was cool, but Nikki Sixx was Mötley Crüe.